


What If It Didn’t?

by Megitsune_chan



Series: This Is Going To Hurt [1]
Category: Jjk - Fandom, 呪術廻戦 | Jujutsu Kaisen (Anime), 呪術廻戦 | Jujutsu Kaisen (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Complicated Relationships, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Filth, Fluff and Smut, NSFW, Romance, Smut, Spoilers, idk man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:34:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 20,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29214258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megitsune_chan/pseuds/Megitsune_chan
Summary: What if Toji got a second chance at life? Would he fix his broken relationships and take accountability for his actions? Or will tenuous bonds be further damaged by his complicated feelings? Only time will tell. This is going to hurt. But what if it didn’t?This is a follow up to my previous Toji work. There will be some references to it. I do not write spoiler free.
Relationships: Fushiguro Toji & Reader
Series: This Is Going To Hurt [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2186688
Comments: 12
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

There is no joy and there is no despair in the chasm between worlds. There's only peaceful darkness. The darkness is ripped away and within moments is already forgotten and only just barely remembered periodically throughout the rest of his life.

Toji sits up. It startles the attendants. Up until that moment, he had been stable but not awake. One goes to call for the doctor, an exceptionally brave, and possibly exceptionally stupid jujutsu sorcerer if they're working with Toji, he'll later think. The other attendant makes a fuss over Toji, checking his vitals, and all manner of things hooked up to him. Toji reaches an arm out to shove her away and she stumbles backward. Toji hadn't meant to hurt her, he just didn't want to be touched.

The doctor's arrival is her saving grace. He comes over to do exactly as she had been moments before. She rattles off his stats and he nods.

"Where am I?" Toji asks. His throat feels rough, and dry. 

"You're in a hospital. Do you remember what happened?" The doctor asks.

Toji puts up a hand to move the doctor away too. The doctor is undeterred. He repeats his question. This time Toji thinks about it. Where had he been? 

Darkness

No, not there. Before that. The darkness was fuzzy in his brain anyway.

Satoru Gojo

Bingo. He'd been in a fight. One that was fun at first but made him increasingly uneasy as it progressed, probably for the first time ever in a fight. It had also caused him his life. 

"I died." Toji says slowly. His voice doesn't feel like it belongs to him. The doctor nods his head.

"Your mediator- Kon, is it? He found you. He brought you here immediately and thank goodness. Otherwise you would've been gone for good." 

Toji nods slowly, not that he remembers any of it. Good thing he could tolerate the guy, it paid off for him. 

"Anyway, we're keeping you here for observation for a few more days. The injuries you sustained were immense and honestly it's a wonder you didn't die, even after we got you here. You're incredibly lucky to be alive." The doctor says, standing up from the side of the bed he was perched on. 

Toji didn't have luck. He never did. He wasn't lucky when the Zenin family decided he was worthless and outcasted him, he wasn't lucky when he married young and his wife died shortly after their son was born, he wasn't lucky when he gambled away his money and stayed with different women to pretend there wasn't a void inside of his soul. The closest thing he'd ever been to lucky was...

Her.

Her image is called forth into his mind, frayed at the edges and dark until suddenly he sees her clearly. Standing at the beach, watching the waves. Turning to him to tell him she was ready to go even though she hadn't been. Her face had been radiant then. Much more than he deserved and he flinched inwardly at the thought of it. 

Toji pulls off the wires and IV. He rips them off and tosses them aside. Observation be damned, he was going home. The two attendants panic and call for the doctor again and Toji struggles to his feet, stumbling, unsteady. He feels like a newborn foal. The doctor comes in, in a rush. But he catches the glint of steel and resolve in Toji's eyes and he knows he can't stop him. 

Toji's going home.


	2. Chapter 2

It's been days since Kon told me Toji died and I know I should have left the apartment already. But I wallow in the misery of losing my closest companion. And then feel pathetic that Toji was my closest companion because I pull away and disappear out of the lives of the people who love me. But Toji accepted that I would come and go and didn't try to dissuade it. I guess my presence just eased his self imposed loneliness. All I know is that I miss him, and I'm still walking around in his sweater, in a daze. 

I'm in the kitchen when I hear the front door open. My heart races and adrenaline kicks in. I'm not expecting any company. I drop what I'm doing and run into the room. My heart drops and my mind blanks.

"Who died?" Asks the ghost at the door, who looks like he's barely hanging onto it, on the verge of collapse, seemingly having used most of his strength. 

I rush over to collect him into my arms before he can fall onto the ground, which he almost does. His eyes are half closed, but he's warm. Not fever warm, just wonderfully alive. Slowly, I help him to his bedroom. A tall task because he outweighs me and is taller. I take my time, wanting to be careful with him. A carefulness I know he isn't used to being handled with. 

I deposit Toji onto the bed and start to cry. I must be dreaming, I have to be dreaming. There's no way he could be home after so many days and after Kon told me he was dead. Any second I'm going to wake up, snapped back into reality still standing in the same place I just was in the kitchen. Any second now.

Toji's eyes open slightly, it must take a lot of effort. His hand comes up and I grab it for dear life. I hold it to my cheek and continue to sob.

"You're crying... for me?" He asks. I can only nod. "I'm sorry." He says. It shocks me to hear him apologize, so much so that the tears immediately stop. We stay there a moment, just looking at each other, letting the silence stretch the short distance between us. I take the hand held to my cheek and kiss his fingers.

"You should sleep." I say. I intend to leave the room to let him rest peacefully but when I get up, I can't do it. I lay down beside him and curl up, comforted.


	3. Chapter 3

Toji's arrival, while a balm to my soul has been hard, to say the least. He gets frustrated with trivial tasks, having regained his left arm but not the same strength in it. I tell him it'll take time and I see the muscle in his jaw visibly clench as he says nothing. 

I wonder about the doctor that healed his arm, also. Something like that is not easily done. In fact, it's rarely ever done. Even the most accomplished of jujutsu sorcerers can only stop the damage from worsening, or minimize the effect of the damage with an extreme amount of concentrated negative curse energy to create a positive. A reverse curse technique. Typically though, what's done is done and cannot be reversed in the case of things like a missing limb. He could be treated but limb regeneration is unheard of. Things like that.... not to mentioned bringing someone back from the dead, come with a hefty price. I want to find this "doctor" but I have a strong suspicion that wherever the hospital was that Toji had been at would no longer be there when I came looking. I could only hope the man who treated Toji wouldn't come looking to collect the favor. Someone dangerous like that... we'd probably both be dead.

It's been a week since Toji's come home, and still his frustration hasn't completely subsided. He's withdrawn and moody too, further distancing us. It's a far cry from the day he came home. I try to keep the normalcy by not changing my behavior much. I'm still upbeat, I joke, and I try to keep the place clean and make sure Toji eats meals. But I feel shut out and I don't know how to bridge the gap. 

I'm sitting on the couch with Toji watching some show. We're not really talking, mostly I'm just there to keep him company.

"I think I need to see my kid." Toji says.

It takes me a minute to form a response, I'm caught so off guard. 

"Yeah, maybe you should." I say, partially because I'm not sure what else to say. I wonder if it also means seeing his ex wife. I feel my heart sink in my chest.

Toji glances at me quickly from the corner of his eye before redirecting his attention to the tv. "Just the kid." He says without looking at me.

Relief floods my senses and I briefly close my eyes while I let out the breath I'd been holding. 

"I should start dinner." I say, getting up. He doesn't respond. 

...

That night I lay awake beside him most of the night. I listen to the evenness of his breathing and mostly just stare out of the window. Eventually I turn onto my back and stare at the ceiling. The paint is chipping. Toji turns over next to me, awake. 

"I thought you were sleeping." I say.

"I was. I had a weird dream. I can't really remember it now though." He props his head up on his right arm.

I make a "hmm" in response. 

Toji reaches out with his left hand to stroke my cheek.

"I've been difficult for you." He says.

This time I tear my eyes away from the chipping paint to meet his eyes. 

"Sometimes."

His thumb catches my lower lip, sliding to and fro over it. His gaze fixes there even when he keeps talking. 

"I'll make it up to you." 

This time he's the one meeting my eyes. His own are dark and full of hedonistic desire, intense as always. I'm locked in that look. In this moment, I think I live in that look. 

I don't know if I've gotten closer to him, or him to me, but suddenly there isn't as much space between our bodies. He leans down to cover my mouth with his and everything else doesn't matter. All there is, is feeling. The feeling of him against me, the feeling of the heat that spreads in my chest, burning me. And the sweet feeling of Toji not being lost beyond my reach. 

He pulls me closer to him still, and this time he moves on top of me, between my legs. I break the kiss. I realize I need to catch my breath. 

"You should really rest." I tell him, but I'm breathless and it's unconvincing.

"I'm tired of resting. I feel better, anyway." 

I move a piece of hair out of his face. I really can't argue. I should, maybe. Probably. He's only been back for a week, after all. But I ache with need. 

My hand moves to his cheek, he catches my hand and nips at my fingers. A small thrill runs through me. 

"Let me show you how much better I feel." He says. His hands go to the hem of my shirt and slowly glide underneath it. Goosebumps pop up all along my skin as his callused fingers brush up along my torso, up to my chest, cupping my breasts, palming, kneading, and rolling my nipples in his fingers. He kisses between them, before alternating which one his mouth goes to, paying great attention to each one equally. Then his hands are sliding back down my body. Again, I struggle to regain my breath. 

Toji keeps kissing down until he reaches my hips. He bites the flesh just inside my hip and I buck. He moves just long enough to whip my shorts and underwear off in one fluid motion before bringing his mouth down to tease me more. His tongue probes my clit, testing the sensitivity and I sigh at the sensation. Toji reaches up to grab one of my hands to put it in his hair as he sets to work. 

He drags his tongue up and down, he kisses, sucks, and slips his tongue inside my folds. He adds a couple of fingers and my grip tightens. I pull his hair. He groans from between my knees before dislodging his mouth with a wet sound. He bites the inside of my thigh. I gasp and jerk my leg away instinctively. He kisses the spot and licks back up to where he was. My body arches and my head leans back into the pillows. I can feel Toji's eyes on me from below. 

Once Toji is satisfied and my brain has gone totally hazy with lust, he leans over me once more, staring down into my soul. It's a stare that would still make me feel totally stripped even if I were fully clothed. My satisfaction is at his mercy and he knows it.

His look changes for the briefest of moments, it's less harsh, almost gentle. He grabs his shaft by the base and teases agonizingly slowly up and down, again and again, testing how much wetter I'll get for him. He eases just the head in and I moan. He slides in a little further and I feel the pleasure spread. He goes further, still. My breath catches in my throat. He doesn't stop until I've taken him in as far as he can go. 

"Good girl." He praises. He kisses me and I taste myself on his lips, faintly. He begins grinding into me, not bothering to break the kiss. He goes slowly at first, then quickens his pace and my body follows along, knowing this dance well. It always has. After a long while, it finally reaches a crescendo and waves of pleasure crash over me. 

I look into his face illuminated by the moonlight and think Toji is like the moon itself, controlling the tides and I am the ocean he beckons. I know it must be true because of the perfect completion I feel. I am his, and he is mine, and in this moment we couldn't be any closer.

He finally cums and rolls off next to me. 

I feel the chill of a moonless night.


	4. Chapter 4

Another week goes by. 

Toji's arm begins to feel better everyday, but still I think the path to recovery is going to be a long one. I don't reassure him anymore, it only aggravates him further. He mentions Megumi again, off hand. 

"Why don't you just go, then?" I don't mean to sound irritated, but I know I do. I don't think it's the wrong decision for him to see his son, though. 

"What the hell is your problem?" He snaps at me.

"Don't snap at me." I say, darkly. 

We stare at other for a long minute, neither of us willing to give. Both of us exhausted. I run a hand through my hair. 

"If you want to go see him, you should go see him." I say, softer. The scowl on Toji's face lessens. He nods but doesn't say anything further.

This time I don't give, I leave the silence where it is.

...

It takes him another week still, but finally he's made real plans to see Megumi. He waited until his arm was feeling better, because goodness forbid someone see him "weak". No, that wouldn't do. I don't say it, but I also think he's nervous. What kind of reception will he have? He hasn't been around in ages. Does Megumi even remember him? Does he want to? What should Toji even say to Megumi? There are more questions than answers, and I think for the first time in a long time, there's a task ahead of Toji that seems daunting.

I'm tidying up in the living room when Toji walks in. It's the first time in weeks I've seen him dressed up to go anywhere.

"I'm going to head out. I don't know when I'll be back, don't wait for me." 

Don't wait for me.

But haven't I always? When did it become like this? It feels like he's slipping through my hands. I don't think I've ever had half the grasp I had hoped.

"Yeah. Hope it goes well." I say.

He scoffs as if to say like hell it will and shakes his head. "Maybe this is a bad idea." He mutters. 

I shrug. "Maybe not. Won't know till you go." 

My optimism irks him, even if he won't say so. A while ago, maybe he would have. 

He leaves and I try not to wait for him. But truthfully, the jobs aren't coming in. There's been nothing for a few weeks, so I'm left without much to do momentarily. It's like I'm getting a break to spend time with Toji that should've been blissful. 

I turn on the tv to try to distract myself from the nagging pain in my heart, the dull ache starting there. I fall asleep on the couch.

...

The door opens and startles me awake. Toji's mood is dark. His visit must not have gone well. I sit up to ask him about it but he brushes past and down to his room, closing the door. I don't think I've felt so helpless since I was a child. The ache in my chest is back. 

I give it a few minutes and then I go down the hall, to the bedroom. I give a couple of soft knocks before opening the door. He's staring into the closet, looking for something to change into, perhaps not even really looking or seeing. He looks like he's zoning out. 

"Hey." I say, tucking my hands into my back pockets. His head turns to the side at the sound of my voice. "How'd it go?" I ask. I walk to him slowly, like one would when approaching an animal they aren't familiar with. His shirt has come off and his back is to me, still. I come close enough to run my hands down his strong back, and up his arms. I see him close his eyes, enjoying the feeling.

"I don't know how to do this." He says.

"How to do what?" My hands are between his shoulders, up the nape of his neck, back down.

"Any of it. Parenting... being with someone." 

"I don't think anyone really knows how." My nails trace lightly up his arms again. 

"I have a lot to think about." He says. One of my hands is on his shoulder, his hand meets mine there and briefly touches it, holding me there. "I think you should find somewhere else to stay for now." His hand releases me and I take a step back.

"You... want me to go?" I say slowly. That tenuous string that held us together is snapping in front of me.

"Yeah." His back is still to me, even now.

It feels as if all the air has left the room. I'm in a vacuum with my conflicted emotions. I stand there for another moment because I just can't will myself to move. I'm rooted to the spot by the weight of his words. He finally picks out a shirt and pulls it over his head.

It spurs me to action and I look for my suitcase. My hands tremble as I pull it out and start to empty my few things from the drawers. I don't fold anything, just toss it in as fast as I can. My vision swims and something wet touches my hand. I realize I'm crying and wipe the tears away, angrily.

Toji goes to the window and stands there, still with his fucking back turned to me.

"I thought I lost you when you were dead. You were gone way before that." I say, picking up my suitcase. He says nothing but his eyes meet mine in the reflection of the glass. They're purposely expressionless. He's trying to make a clean cut.

I've been difficult for you.... I'll make it up to you.

Yeah, right.

I don't bother to close the door behind me when I leave.


	5. Chapter 5

It's been a while since I've stayed in a hotel room and this one is noisy. I lay on the bed and listen to the couple in the room directly beside me have loud sex. Not because I want to, but because it's that loud. I can't not hear it. A door across the hall slams. A baby cries somewhere. This is not what I'm used to. I grab my phone and look for my mediator's phone number. He answers immediately.

"I need a job. Anywhere. I don't care how far it is." I tell him.

"Yeah? I might have a few. I heard about Toji, I haven't called cause I thought you might want the time to..." 

"I don't. It's fine. I don't know what you heard but we were just partners once. The one time you made me work with him, need I remind you." I say.

"Ouch, okay. Point taken. I'll find a job for you." 

"Oh, one more thing." I say quickly, before he can hang up.

"Yeah?"

"I need a place to stay. A permanent one. Can the agency set me up with that?" I ask.

"I think we can. I'll let you know what I find. Oh, and, uh... try to take of yourself, okay? You sound a little... frazzled." 

I bark out a harsh laugh. "Christ. Who even uses that word?" I ask. But this time when I laugh it's sincere. 

He laughs too. "You got a point. But still. It's hard to do what we do and stay sane." 

I agree that it is and hang up the phone. I don't want to talk about how hard it is. I know damn well. 

I only spend one more night in that room before he calls me back.

"Got you a job and a place to stay." He says. He gives me the address and I agree to meet him there at once. I can't get out of this room soon enough.

...

-FROM A DEAD MAN’S PERSPECTIVE-:

Toji sits at the table in his increasingly messy apartment, nursing a stale beer. He didn't know what to do with the information.

He had gone to see his kid and learned that his ex wife had not been there for some time. "Tsumiki's mom hasn't come back." Megumi had been the one to tell him that. But what had happened, no one was sure of. She had just sort of disappeared. If Toji was a betting man, and he was, he'd wager she'd been killed. Now his son and her daughter had no one looking out for them. 

As much guilt as he had tried to convince himself he hadn't had in the first place, he had to admit was alleviated by knowing at least someone was watching out for them. They had a chance in the world and eventually Megumi would go to the Zenin's, and maybe his life would be better than whatever Toji could have given him. Toji had planned for that when Megumi was born.

But now she was dead and he didn't know what would happen to Megumi in the immediate future. Would it fall to him to take care of him? He couldn't do it. He wasn't equipped for it. 

Megumi's tiny face floated into his mind's eye and he felt immeasurable guilt. The guilt of all the years he'd thought about him and said, "I don't care" when he really did. It was too much. He took another sip of his beer.

And then there was another matter entirely. Her. Now her face was there, replacing Megumi's with her easy smile and laidback attitude. That's what he'd liked about her to begin with. He'd known as soon as he met her that he liked her. She was easy to be around. He never felt any pressure to be a good husband, a good father, a good son. They were just partners doing a job. It just so happened they worked exceptionally well together. He almost laughed as soon as the thought came. They didn't just work well together, he knew better. But he didn't know if he could give her what she wanted right now. 

He thought of her captivating eyes, and the many emotions he'd seen flash across them. He thought of how she hummed when she cooked, how warm she was in his arms in the early morning, how she always smelled good, how she always seemed to win at games, and how her face would flush and she'd look into his soul when he was inside of her. It excited and terrified him. She saw him as a man, and not the failure of the Zenin family. In fact, she didn't give two shits about the Zenin's and their family politics. It bored her. It bored him too.

His mind drifted back to the beach. Her silhouette against the water and the horizon. The waves swelling and breaking, foam rushing in to kiss her feet like worshiping a goddess. She had stood in that spot for a long moment. The salt was heavy in the air and Toji never cared for the feel of it on his skin. He had been lamenting that fact when she turned to him to say she was ready to go. He knew she hadn't been. He wished he could've given her more time. 

Those thoughts segued into his current predicament. The doctor that healed him. No, not just healed. He'd regenerated Toji an entirely new arm and saved his life. Toji was sure he was already dead, not just dying, when he was brought in. And that doctor would surely be looking to pay Toji a visit soon. When he did, Toji didn't want Megumi or his former partner to be here. He wasn't even entirely sure he should be there, himself. He would have liked to avoid the situation all together but it didn't seem like that would really be an option. 

His thoughts go back to her a final time. Watching her pack her suitcase from the window, feigning indifference. He'd heard her sniffle and knew she was crying. But he couldn't take the words back. After years of solitude, no real commitments but very real, acquired indifference, suddenly... maybe he cared a little. Maybe more than a little. But it didn't matter. She had to go before the doctor paid Toji a visit.

Toji runs a hand through his hair, expelling a deep breath. He didn't know how to do any of this.

-END OF PERSPECTIVE- 

...


	6. Chapter 6

This new apartment is quiet, it's the first thing I notice. I stand in the living room with my mediator, and the landlord. The landlord is telling me about how many square feet it is, the neighbors, and all of that sort of thing before he begins to show us the space. We don't make it two steps.

"I'll take it." I say.

They exchange a look.

"Surely you want to see the place first?" My mediator asks.

"Yes, but, I'll take it. I want this apartment." 

"You're sure?" 

"Yes." 

They exchange another look.

"She'll take it." He says to the landlord. 

The landlord somehow accepts this and we resume the tour. When it's finished they ask me again if I'm sure now that I've seen the place.

"Double sure." I say, flashing a thumbs up.

My mediator rolls his eyes and groans but I just smile wider. 

We start the preliminary paperwork but it won't end there. I'll have a lot of costs to pay up front before I can sign the lease and move in. That's how these places always are. Makes me glad I lived out of a bag for a long time. The deposit is paid upfront. I came prepared for that. I'd kind of told myself that no matter what the place looked like, I probably still would've said yes, just to have somewhere to go.

My thoughts briefly go to Toji at the window the day I left before my attention snaps back to the landlord explaining terms and conditions to me.

"Everything sounds good." I say. I hope it sounds good, I wasn't listening. He seems pleased and we end it there. 

I book a room in a hotel close to the job I landed and that's where I'll live until I get the word that the place is mine. 

...

My phone rings when I'm out for a run. It's not a real run, I'm scoping out my target.

"Hello?" I answer.

"You got it. The place is yours." Its my mediator.

I stop running.

"I got it? Sweet! How soon can I move in?" 

"As soon as you finish the rest of the paperwork. He knows the situation with our company, and he's lenient as far as landlords go, but there's a lot of precautions he's going to want to take to protect his assets. You're not the only one in our profession living in one of his complexes, shall we say." 

"Got it. When does he want the paperwork done?" I ask, my excitement is rising.

"As soon as possible." He gives me a date and time and I tell him I'll be there.

...

Everything is squared away after my job, and after I've gotten paid. It's at that point that I get to unpack, and damn does it feel good for all of the two seconds it takes me to pull the clothes out of my suitcase. I look around my new bedroom. I don't have a bed yet, just a mattress. I don't have any furniture at all actually. It's just me, the suitcase, and the mattress. 

I go to the living room, and my footsteps don't make any noise at all across the carpet. I'm like a ghost in my own home, haunting myself.

I cross into the kitchen and open the fridge, not processing for a moment that there won't be any food in it because I haven't gotten anything. I shut the fridge. To my surprise, there's a bottle of red wine right beside it with a card. 

Congrats on the new place! Your furnishings should be arriving soon.

It's from my mediator. That was nice of him. I set the bottle down and look around the place. The vertical blinds are drawn, darkening the room. My stomach rumbles and I grab my keys to get something to eat. 

I'm gone a lot longer than expected and it's fully dark out when I turn the key to my apartment door. As I'm putting the leftovers away, my phone rings. I should look at who's calling but I don't. I assume it's my mediator with another job.

"Hey, I'm still getting settled in. Did you find any more jobs for me? That last one was pretty quick." I ask.

"Nope, no jobs. But I don't think that was a question for me, was it?" 

"Toji?" The name comes out in a breathy whisper and I hate myself for it. 

"So you did find somewhere to stay. That's good. I wanted to talk to you. Maybe you can show me the place." He says.

"No." I say, and I'm even surprised by it myself. The careful concentration I've kept on avoiding his name in my thoughts, his face, his voice, is broken. I know if I see him and he tells me I should stay away for good that it'll hurt much more than I can bear. I can't stain this new sanctuary with him and then continue to live in it like he had never been here.

"No?" He repeats.

"No. Just tell me what you have to say." 

He sighs from across the line, and I know he's running a hand through his hair. I long to do the same and see his eyes close as my nails trace a light path through this hair, letting the soft strands sift past my fingertips. I long to see the way his lips would part before he opened his eyes again with a gaze full of raw desire. Molten, burning. 

"I want to introduce you to Megumi." 

"What?" The scene in my head is gone. Reality takes it's place. But the words don't add up in my head.

"Might as well." I can practically hear him shrug. 

"What do you mean "might as well?" Might as well why?" I ask.

"I still have a lot I'm thinking about, but I think maybe it would be good for both of you." 

I let silence fall on the call.

"Hello?" Toji says.

"Yeah, sorry. I'm here. It just... it doesn't make sense. You kicked me out. Now you want me to meet your son? To tell him what? I don't even know what we're doing. This is a phenomenally bad idea." 

"It doesn't make sense to me either. But I still think you should." 

"Dammit Toji! You're lying to me. I don't understand what you want from me, and if you don't know either then don't waste my time!" I yell. I disconnect the call. The phone clatters onto the counter. I grip the countertop with both hands, bracing myself. I'm shaking. More than anything, I'd love to see him, would love to meet his son, I realize. But not like this. If Toji wants me in his life, he's going to have to say so better than that.

...

My furniture comes, except for one piece. The delivery guys realize it's still at the store when they're about to leave. I know it's a small piece so I decide to just run out and bring it back myself. I do just that and I'm about to put the key in the lock when my mind goes back to Toji asking me to see the new place. I get upset all over again. The sadness comes tearing through my chest, heavy. I fumble with the keys and they fall from my hand. I have the set the small end table down to bend down and pick up the key. My hands shake and I swear under my breath. I sit on the floor with my head in my hand. I thought the distance between us would make it easier after a while, but it doesn't. It never did. There was distance even when he was right beside me. I pick up my phone. He answers on the third ring.

"I want you to see the new place." I say.

His voice is like dark silk caressing me from across the line. I gave him the address and hang up. I've said too many stupid things already.

I get the small end table inside and shut the door.

...

An hour goes by but finally I hear a knock on my door. I cross the room to go answer it. When I see Toji's face my heartbeat picks up and my arms act on reflex. They go around his neck, and I step into him. His arms go around me too and everything in me breathes a sigh of relief. I feel anchored again. 

I want to tell him it feels good to see him, but I think of the day I left and how much it had hurt. The words don't come.

"Warm welcome for someone who didn't want me to come here." He says. I pull away from him.

"I changed my mind." And I had. Sanctuary or not, I needed the feel of him, needed to see him, to hear him. 

He nods his head and his eyes bore into mine. 

"Are you gonna let me in?" He asks. We're still close enough that he barely says it above a whisper. My spine tingles and my eyes are on his lips. They curve into a dangerous smirk and my mind tells me to run. I get the impression of inviting a vampire into my home; he'll be able to come and go anytime and there won't be much left of me when he leaves. I step aside and invite him to cross the threshold. He looks around. 

"It's not bad." He says, but he actually looks impressed. "Did it come furnished?" He asks.

"Yeah, still waiting on the couch though. You'd think they'd plan better. Most of my stuff is set up in here." I point to my room. I walk in that direction and he follows me. "The dresser didn't really need to be assembled. I've got a couple of end tables, a couple of lamps. A tv. Um... a bed frame, too! I haven't gotten far with assembling it though." The headboard is kind of leaning so I straighten it before looking at Toji again.

"Looks like you're doing all right." He says. 

I want to tell him I'm really not. It doesn't feel all right. But I just nod my head without meeting his eyes, swallowing the lump that forms in my throat.

We stand there for a minute and the moment drags on. 

"I've got some wine and cold pizza, if you're hungry." I finally say to break the silence. He accepts. 

So we sit on the living room floor eating pizza and drinking wine. I accidentally slosh a little bit onto the immaculate carpet.

"Oh fuck, there goes my deposit." I say.

For some reason that cracks Toji up and I look at the bottle and realize we've emptied it. 

"S'not funny." I mutter. But it kind of is. I try everything I can think of to get it out. Finally, it's a faded pink. I'll call someone tomorrow to clean it better. While I'm messing with the stain, I see Toji eat the rest of my slice of pizza. The last slice. 

"I was gonna eat that." I tell him. 

He smiles and it's like clouds parting across the face the moon. "Too late now." 

I don't even mind, I just hope he keeps smiling at me like that. I smile too and I must look like an idiot, but I don't care. Toji stops smiling and I'm afraid I've done something wrong, but he leans over and kisses me. It's like no time at all has passed. He deepens the kiss and all thought ceases like it always does. He pulls me closer to him and my body moves at his command. His hands go to my face, cupping my cheeks. Warmth spreads through my chest and in that moment everything is in its place in the world. He breaks the kiss and I try to catch my breath. 

"You have to stay here for awhile. Lay low." He says. His thumb ghosts across my cheek.

"Why?" I ask quietly.

"Could be nothing. But even so. You should hide out of sight." 

A chill goes down my spine.

"What's going on, Toji?" I ask. 

I see the conflict in his eyes but only for a moment.

"I've been trying to find the jujutsu sorcerer who healed my arm. He's not there anymore. I think he'll come to me when he's ready to be found. I don't want you anywhere near when that happens." 

I remember having the same suspicion and this confirms it. I feel an icicle of fear slice through me. 

"It'll be fine, just stay here." He reads the worry on my face clearly. 

"Is that why you wanted me to leave?" 

"Partly. Also because I was trying to figure things out. Like I said, I don't know how to be with someone." 

I nod my head, remembering. I close my eyes. 

"I'm figuring it out." Toji says, to my surprise, tipping my chin up to look at him again. 

"Yeah... me too." I say. 

This time Toji nods and he looks relieved. It's gotten pretty late and moonlight comes in through the blinds now, illuminating us both. We haven't turned on any lights. 

I move and take a deep breath, feeling as if I'm coming out of a trance. I start to pick up our stuff. I stand up. 

"It's getting late now. I should get to bed." I say.

Toji sets the empty wine bottle on the counter before taking the wine glasses and empty pizza box from my hands, setting them there too. He puts his hand out, taking mine. 

"Let's go then." He says, heading in the direction of my room. He leads and I follow. 

...

Sometime after, I lay in his arms, content and peaceful. I'm floating on a cloud of relaxed happiness.

"You don't have to stay. I know it's just sex." I tell him. His arm is around me, holding me to his chest. I can't see his face.

"No. It isn't." He says. 

I look up to see his face but his eyes are closed and he's already falling asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

There's a bridge over a lake at the park near my new place. That's where we go. We stand there watching the water lazily swirl around the rocks. A few ducks pass by, riding the slow current. They look happy. It must be nice to be a duck. I lean on the rail, feeling the wood grain press into my folded arms.

"When I said I don't know how to be with someone, it's because I haven't been with someone seriously in a long time. I was different then. When I said I slept around after I left my wife, that was true too. None of it was ever serious. Mostly just a place to stay and money to spend. What we're doing, I don't remember how to do. But it's coming back to me." Toji says.

I continue to watch the ducks while my mind does lazy circles around the rocks in my brain. 

"I don't know how to do it either. I'm not a commitment kind of person. I've been telling myself it's only sex even though I know I want more than that. I didn't think I could ask for it. I don't know how. And I know it's not your thing either. I thought it would be setting us both up for failure." I say.

Toji leans on the railing beside me, he watches the ducks too. "Maybe. Maybe not. I always said I didn't care, but now I have a second chance. I don't think I deserve it, but I should do something with it." 

"Hence seeing Megumi." I say.

"Yeah. And wanting you to see him too. If it comes down to it, I want him to stay with you. If things get bad and I can't be there." 

"You talking about the sorcerer who healed your arm?" I ask. 

"Yeah. When he comes poking around, I don't know where he'll look. If he finds me.... the kid should be taken care of. That's all." 

I nod. "Sure, but what about—"

"She's gone."

"Oh. I'm sorry. Of course Megumi can stay with me." 

Toji nods. I sigh.

"We should really find some jobs. I liked it better when we beat the shit out of people and then you bought me dinner. That was romantic." I tell him. To my immense delight, he laughs. I've missed the sound like I miss rain when I want to curl up with my favorite book. After a beat I continue, "I'm not good at commitment but I am jealous. So no more bouncing around from woman to woman. And you're not gambling my money away, so get your own jobs. But... I will look after the kid, like I said." 

"I've got other plans for him too. But that's another thing. Some other business I have to see to." He says.

"I can't help noticing you didn't agree to the other terms and conditions." 

Toji rolls his eyes. "I thought we covered that already." 

I look at him and I know there's mischief in my eyes. "Nope. I wanna hear you say it." 

He leans in close until the space between our lips is practically nonexistent. "You're the only one for me." He says before kissing me softly. It's brief, but it's enough. My heart flutters in my chest and I know it shows in my eyes, but I don't care. When he looks at me, nothing else exists. I could live in that gaze, die, and be reborn a thousand times. 

"I'm glad you're not dead." I tell him simply. 

He laughs. "Yeah, me too." 

...

"Another gambling date? Come on! Remember how boring it was last time?" I ask as we take our seats at the boat races. 

Toji pretends to think about it. "I remember stabbing a guy for you, taking you to dinner, and fucking you senseless on the living room floor. You said some pretty shameless things too. Like when you asked me to—"

"DON'T say it. Don't you dare finish that sentence." My face is a tomato. I can feel the heat creeping down my neck, splotching my chest too. He chuckles with a grin that flashes his sharp canines. The shameless thoughts come all on their own. I want those teeth to sink into every tender part of me until I'm a whimpering mess. My eyes slide over to him.

"Later." He says, catching my eye, and putting a hand on my knee.

"What are you, a mind reader?" I grumble. I swat his hand away and put my hands in the pockets of my thin track jacket. He's not put off in the slightest. 

Time feels like it crawls by because I'm impatient, but really the race is finished before I know it. At least the first one is.

I check the slip in my hand.

"I think this is my guy." I point at the boat. Toji asked me to come with so I could place the bets. Toji watches the boat with interest. It speeds across the finish line, in first place. His eyes get wide.

"You really are good at this." He says. 

I shrug. "You're the one who said I was lucky." 

"Because you are. Let's go bet on another one." 

So we do and a couple more hours pass this way. After that we leave the place laughing at our good fortune. Outside, Toji puts his arm around my waist. 

"You're my lucky charm, you know?" He says.

My thoughts stumble over themselves, they tumble like a washing machine cycle. I look at him and I'm at a total loss for words for once. 

"We better not keep Megumi waiting." Toji says. And I agree.

...

I find myself face to face with a formidable elementary schooler. He scowls at me when I introduce myself, clearly mistrustful of me. But is it me, or is it because of my association with his father? It's probably both. Toji doesn't have much better luck at talking to him. He excuses himself to go to the bathroom and I'm left alone with Megumi.

"Wanna play rock, paper, scissors?" I ask.

"Not really."

"Yeah, me either." I say. 

We both sit there, pointedly avoiding eye contact with each other. It's so awkward I can't stand it.

"I know seeing your dad is probably weird enough for you, but thanks for tolerating me here too. I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do. This is new for me." I tell him.

"I'm not sure what you're supposed to do either." Megumi says.

"Well I'm glad I'm not the only one." I smile at him and his frown eases into a more neutral expression. "You'll tell me if I'm doing a bad job though, right?" 

He thinks about it for a second, scowl returning. 

"Yeah. You're not doing a bad job though." He says.

I smile wider now. "Good to know." 

His eyes get a little bigger like he's surprised I'm being nice to him. Maybe a little suspicious too. Any friend of his dad's is an unknown to him. So is his dad. 

"I'm cooking dinner tonight. You wanna come over and eat?" I ask.

"I'm not sure." He says. After a minute he decides to ask what I'm cooking. Maybe he's hungry after all. I can't imagine he's eating well. I'm not really sure what I'm making so I suggest a couple of things. He thinks them over.

"Okay. I'll go." He says.

Toji walks back into the room.

"Megumi's having dinner with us." I tell him. Toji looks like he can't believe what he's hearing. 

"Great. What are we having?" He asks. Megumi tells him my suggestions. "Sounds good. I'm starving." Toji says.

So we head for my apartment.

Sometime later, I'm boiling water for the stew and chopping vegetables. I suddenly have deja vu. They're both sitting at the counter, Megumi sitting on books to be tall enough so see over it. They watch me chop.

"Those aren't going in, are they?" Megumi asks.

"What, the carrots?" I ask him.

I look up and see that he and Toji have similar looks of disgust.

I sigh. "Not you too. They're going in." I tell them firmly. Their frowns intensify. I know they'll eat it anyway though. And I'm right.


	8. Chapter 8

Over the next few months, Toji starts to bring Megumi around more often in between jobs, and it opens up a world to me that I didn't know existed. The kid is smart and cool. I ask him about school and if he's got hobbies. I start to look forward to his visits. 

A couple of weeks later, work picks up and I'm not home very much. I check in with Toji who's also away on a big job. 

"How's my pal? I haven't heard anything since I left." I ask.

"Fine, I guess. I don't know what to talk to him about." 

"Just talk to him like a person." I say. I can feel Toji's scowl from across the city. "It's not that bad." 

"What are you, a mind reader?" He asks. We both laugh. "I'll be done here soon, when are you getting back?" He asks.

"A couple of days, probably." 

"I'll bring him by." 

Plans made, we disconnect.

I finish my job, get paid, and go home within two days.

...

The season starts to change, the air cools earlier in the day and I pull out the warmer sweaters. I have candles lit to add warmth and coziness to my apartment. All of my proper furniture has been sent over and set up by now and there's a throw blanket over my couch. The shadows on the wall from the candle flicker and dance. The sun has set for the day.

There's a knock on my door as I'm expecting. I open it and Toji stands there, but Megumi is in his arms.

"I think he's sick." He says.

I look at Megumi.

"How ya feeling little guy?" I ask. Megumi looks at me with his large, luminous eyes but they look miserable. He coughs. I reach out a hand to tousle his hair, and I feel his forehead.

"He's burning up. Bring him inside." I tell Toji. He does and I close the door behind him. Toji sits him on the couch and I look to see what I have for medicine. 

I give Megumi some baby aspirin and water and hope that maybe he'll sleep a little. I run my hand through his unruly hair. His eyes close. I pull him close to give him a hug and he wraps his tiny arms around my neck. I let him go but surprisingly, he holds on tighter and I hear him sniffle. He really does feel absolutely miserable. He wants to be held. I put my arms around him again and this time, I pick him up. I stand up and walk around with him. I run my hand over his hair and tell him he's going to be okay. He only whines a little but my heart wrenches. I hold him close and rock him in my arms. 

Toji seems at a loss for how to help. But he watches us. I rub Megumi's back and finally he falls asleep. I tuck him into bed in a spare room. When I come back, I sit down next to Toji. 

"Poor guy. I hope he feels better soon. It's rough being sick as a kid." I say.

"Marry me."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Where the fuck did that come from?" My heart beats a million miles in my chest like it's trying to escape up through my throat. 

He shrugs. "Why not?" 

"That's not how it works. You don't just marry someone because why not." 

"Sure you do." 

"Yeah, maybe *you* do." 

"You're good for him. For both of us." 

I fidget with my hands.

"You'll say yes one day." Toji says.

"You don't know what I'll say." I argue.

"Oh yeah? Then why are you blushing?" He grins, flashing those canines at me. I pull the neck of my sweater up the bridge of my nose so only my eyes show.

"I don't know what you mean." I say.

He laughs, and then leans his head back against the couch. "No rush. There's plenty of time." 

I think it's the first hopeful thing I've ever heard him say.


	9. Chapter 9

Megumi stays with me for a couple days after that. I'm definitely out of my depth with how to take care of a sick kid so the internet becomes my friend. Thankfully, it doesn't fail me and Megumi's fever breaks. Toji takes him back home only to return later, by himself. 

We're sitting on the couch when I realize how tired I am. The fatigue sets in and I lean against Toji, closing my eyes. He puts his arm around me, engulfing me in his warmth. I can faintly hear the tv but not for long. I'm so comfortable I'm out within minutes. When I wake up again, I'm in my own bed and alone.

...

The fatigue doesn't completely go away. Little things make me tired and I become irritable. I'm on a job when I start to feel fevered. When I pull the trigger, my hands are so shaky I worry I'll miss my target. But he never sees me and I don't miss. I sag against the wall beneath the open window, and let the gun fall out of my hand. I look for my phone and dial Toji.

"Toji. I think I'm dying."

"Don't be dramatic. You're sick, finish the job and go home."

"I am finished."

"Then go home."

"How's Megumi's fever?" I ask.

"Gone." 

"That's good. I can't believe he got me sick. I never get sick." 

"Kids get everyone sick. I think. I don't really know. Guess I haven't been around them enough to know." 

"It's your fault by association. You brought him to me when he was sick." 

"I didn't know what else to do." 

I can't really be angry, and I'm not. I think of Megumi's sad eyes when I felt his forehead. My heart breaks again. 

"I really am glad he feels better." 

"He said you told him you'd get him ice cream when he got better." Toji sounds amused.

"I did and I thought he'd forget. You also weren't supposed to know." 

"I know." 

"Tell him the deals off." 

Toji laughs. "No can do. It's a binding vow." 

I swear and Toji laughs again. 

"Get him some real food. I'll be back tomorrow." I say before we hang up.

I picture Toji in a grocery store with Megumi picking up things and saying, "I don't know what this is, do you eat it?" And Megumi shrugging. It's enough to make me feel better for the moment. Long enough to get off the floor and go home.

...

The weird dreams start the night I get home, before the fever passes. 

I'm sitting on a dock surrounded by thick, grey fog. There's a boat approaching but I can't see the face of the person in it. Their back is to me. I see that they are wearing a white kimono and I know this is someone who has passed. I get to my feet as if that will afford me a better look at the person. It doesn't. The boat finally reaches me and before the person gets up, I see a large tear in the back of their kimono, as if they've been pierced by something. But there's no blood.

They get onto the dock and that's when I see. There's an identical tear in the front of the kimono like they've been run through the side of their torso with something sharp. My eyes continue upward and I notice there's a bundle cradled in the arms of this person, a baby. I look even further up to finally see the face of this person. It's me. Dream me's mouth moves and no sound comes out, but I hear the message clearly in my head. 

I sit straight up in bed, jolted out of this dream. Sweat is beading on my forehead and my pulse is racing. I don't go back to sleep.

...

The next morning I pick up Megumi. It's a Saturday so he doesn't have school. Toji gets called away last minute so it's just us today. 

"I was thinking of picking up some fresh bread for breakfast. Something kind of sweet. Do you wanna come with?" I ask Megumi. 

"You want sweetbread for breakfast?" He asks. 

"For you, not for me. I'm a rice for breakfast kind of person. But you're a bread person. I would've gone last night but I wanted it to be warm and fresh for today when you came." 

His eyes momentarily widen. He nods his head. "I'll get bread with you." He says.

We turn the corner onto a busy street. Before we cross, Megumi tucks his small hand into mine so we don't get separated. He does it before I even ask and I feel my heart warm. The bakery isn't far and it feels good to walk in the fresh, brisk autumn air. I take a deep breath until my lungs hurt. 

"This is my favorite time of year." I say offhand.

"I like spring." Megumi says.

"Oh, that's good too. It's nice when things start to bloom again." 

He nods his head like this is exactly right. 

I realize we've crossed the street and he's still holding my hand. I also realize it makes me happy, so I don't let go.

We reach the bakery and Megumi finally drops my hand, only to try to open the door for me. It's a little too heavy for him though. I nudge the door with my foot and it cracks open. Megumi pulls it open the rest of the way.

"I know that was you." He says accusingly.

"No, no, it was all you. Thank you." 

He looks at me like he clearly doesn't buy it, but I see his chest puff up a little with pride. 

We go to the cases and look over all the sweet breads. We point out to each other which ones would obviously be too sweet for breakfast, which ones are considerable options, and which ones just plain wouldn't cut it for our morning meal. Once we've reached a decision, he head to the counter to pay. I can smell another batch of bread loaves that have been retrieved from the oven and normally the smell would tantalize me. This morning, the smell makes my stomach roll in displeasure and I'm overcome with a wave of nausea. I turn my head away and cover my mouth with the back of one hand. Megumi says my name but I can't answer for a minute. In a moment, it passes and I tell him I'm fine. 

He tugs at the hem of my shirt to get my attention. I look down into eyes full of worry.

"I'm really okay, don't worry." I tell him.

"Dad said you were sick and I'm supposed to take care of you. We better go back to the apartment." I give Megumi the money to hand the lady at the counter for the breads. He hands it to her as I take the bag.

I scoff. "He did not." 

"Did too." 

"Did not."

"Did too." 

We head back outside, back into the wonderfully crisp air.

"Did not." I say.

Megumi's face scrunches up at me and I can't help laughing. 

"Okay, you got me." I say. 

Megumi slips his hand back into mine.

"Remember when you said to tell you if you were doing a bad job?" He asks.

"Yeah?" 

"You're not. You're doing a good job." 

I feel a warm stinging at the corner of my eyes and I look away to pretend I'm checking for traffic, even though I've already looked both ways. 

"You make it easy, kid."


	10. Chapter 10

I'm pouring Megumi a cup of juice the next morning when I get dizzy. The cup and the container fall out of my hands and onto the kitchen floor. Megumi is sitting at the counter. I grab the countertop before I hit the ground, just barely. I stare at the liquid spreading across the floor. Megumi comes to my side in seconds. 

"Watch your step, Megumi. I don't want you to slip." I say. I'm already starting to stand up again. Megumi looks panicked. He runs to get Toji who's just gotten back this morning and is sleeping on the couch while Megumi's cartoons are playing in the background. I grab paper towels to clean up the juice.

The debt must be paid in blood.

The words from my dream come to me as the cold liquid seeps through my socks. I can’t take my eyes off of the pooling juice.

Toji comes to me and takes the paper towels from me.

"You're not getting better. Get your coat." He says. It's a tone that leaves no room for argument. He cleans up the spill, with Megumi handing him additional paper towels as I change and grab a coat. 

When I come out of my bedroom, Toji already has his jacket on and is zipping up Megumi's. 

Toji takes me to the doctors office, and Megumi holds my hand the entire time we wait for me to be seen. It feels like the longest wait ever. I look over at Megumi and his head is down, eyes clouded with worry. It breaks my heart to see his little face look like that.

"Cheer up. I'm fine." I nudge him with my elbow. He nods his head but doesn't say anything. Must've really shaken him up. I look over at Toji. He sighs. We're all nervous. 

I get called to go back and I tell Toji I'll go by myself, someone should stay with Megumi. Reluctantly he agrees. 

I sit on a cold chair and describe my symptoms. I respond to all of the questions. I fidget with my hands while the doctor makes notes. She tells me she'll be right back and then leaves the room. I look out of the window. Birds are singing, and leaves have changed color. I wonder if the birds like the temperature change. 

The doctor comes back a minute later and asks for me to follow her. She leads me to a hallway with a private bathroom. There's a technician standing by the door. The technician hands me a sample collection cup and the doctor tells me basically to go pee in the cup. I wonder briefly if they're testing me for drugs. But in fact, maybe I have been drugged. It makes sense. Maybe someone has find out who I am and what I do and I’ve messed with the wrong family.

After I've finished, I hand the now sealed collection cup to the lady outside of the door. She ushers me back to the room where I'll wait for results. I expect to be able to go home and get called with the results because I assume it will take a few days. It doesn't. It takes only minutes. 

The doctor comes in.

"Nausea, motion sickness, fatigue, and you couldn't remember when your last menstrual cycle was. You haven't been drugged or poisoned, and you're not sick. You're pregnant." She says.

"Are you sure it's not drugs?" 

She laughs. "It's very much not drugs. This confirms it. Your urine analysis showed a protein based hormone known as hCG. It's a hormone that's produced to let a woman's body know it's pregnant."

She congratulates me and leaves the room. I fidget with my hands again in the silence. I wonder how to tell Toji. 

I look at the window and see the birds are still there. I wonder if they ever feel this nervous too. 

...

I go back to the waiting room where Toji and Megumi are sitting. Something must show on my face because Toji stands up. 

"What'd they say?" He asks.

"Maybe not in front of Megumi." I say quietly. 

He nods his head and we go off to the side for a moment of privacy.

"She said I'm not sick, I'm pregnant." 

Toji's eyes get really big. 

"Are they sure?" He asks.

"Yes. And it adds up. All the symptoms. It makes sense. I just didn't put it together. I figured I picked up whatever Megumi had, or maybe someone slipped me something to make me sick on a job. Until it didn't go away." 

Toji swears under his breath. 

"It's not what I was expecting to hear." I say.

"Me either." Toji grumbles.

For the first time in a long time, I’m scared. I’m nervous as hell and fight the urge to flee. I don’t know where I would even go. 

“We should go. Megumi didn’t finish breakfast.” Toji says, turning his back to me. I nod my head even though he won’t see it. My heart beats a slow, sad rhythm. 

...

We try the breakfast thing again. This time Toji sits at the counter with Megumi so he can keep an eye on me. But he hasn’t really said much since we left the clinic. I make pancakes and pour Megumi’s juice successfully this time. That’s all it takes to exhaust me. I have a couple bites of a pancake and then I’m ready for a nap.

I sit on the couch and Megumi slides off of his seat to come sit with me. He curls into my side and lays his head on my chest. I stroke his soft hair away from his face, letting my fingers run through the unruly tufts. 

“You know, I really am okay.” I tell him.

“I know.” He says. His eyes are closed and his breathing evens. I lay my cheek against his head and close my eyes too. I start to doze off until I feel something warm and soft cover both of us. My eyes flutter open for a second and I realize it’s Toji putting a throw blanket over us. I let my eyes fall closed again. 

...

I get called with another job offer. This one would take me back to northern Japan and thoughts of the last time I had a job so far away come back to me. It freaks me out and I can’t accept it. Plus I’m not even sure if I would really take it to begin with. But I never turn down a job.

“It’s kind of small time anyway. It would pay half of what you usually make. It’s such a situation where your finesse would be the most efficient.” My mediator is explaining to me.

I wonder how much I should say. I really don’t want anyone to know yet that I’m pregnant. I’m worried about what that would mean. But I also know I can’t make any stupid moves that would endanger myself or the baby. 

The baby... my thoughts go back to the weird dream. The small bundle in my arms, my cold eyes...

The debt must be paid in blood.

I don’t know what it means yet. 

“Hello? Hello? Are you still there?” 

“Yeah, sorry. I’m here.” I say.

“So what do you think? Do you want to take this?” 

“Um, not this time. Maybe the next one.” I sort of stammer a little. There’s a brief pause.

“Is it because of what happened last time?” He asks.

I take a deep breath and blow it out shakily.

“Yeah. Kinda.” It’s half true, but it’s easier for me to play it off as that then tell anyone I’m expecting. 

“I understand. Well, we’re short handed so I’m sure there will be something else soon. I’ll let you know what I find.” He drops it easily enough. 

That’s one thing sorted. I don’t have time to process my thoughts about the dream because the phone rings again. This time it’s Toji. I’m slightly surprised.

“Hey. It’s been a few days.” I say.

“I know, I need to leave Megumi with you for a while.” 

My blood runs cold. We talked about this, but I expected it to only be if there was immediate danger. Which must mean there is. 

“Yeah, of course. How soon?” I ask.

“Now. We’re on our way.” 

My fingers tremble and my breathing constricts. 

“Okay.” 

“Lock your door until I get there.” He says. He hangs up. 

I run to the door to do just that. My legs feel like they’re going to give out. I sit on the couch and try to slow my breathing. The nameless danger looming over me is making me panic. I think that’s the worst part. I don’t know what exactly the danger is yet so I don’t know how to defend myself from it. Now I’ll have Megumi too, which would have been fine before, except now I’m pregnant. How will I fight for us if I have to? 

I hear the key turn in the lock and for a brief moment, I feel myself jump out of my own skin before realizing it’s Toji.

“Hey, it’s me.” He calls.

I come to the door.

“Hey.” I greet them. Megumi comes to me for a hug. I hold him tight to me for a minute before he runs off to find something to do. 

“Hey! Come take your bag to your room.” Toji calls after him. Megumi dutifully runs back to grab his bag and take it to the spare room that’s since become his room. I wait until Megumi is out of earshot.

“Toji, what’s—”

“Come on.” He ushers me to my room and shuts the door behind us. He opens the sliding glass door to the small balcony and motions for me to follow. 

“I had a visit.” He says.

He doesn’t have to say from whom, I know it’s the jujutsu sorcerer we’ve been calling “the doctor”. I feel my blood turn to ice again. 

“I wondered when he would come.” I say quietly.

Toji looks out at the skyline. 

“I know what he wants.” He says. He looks at me now. “He wants our kid.” 

I grab the ledge for support. I feel like vomiting. 

“He waited until you had something he wanted.” I say. Toji nods. “Why?” I ask.

“He wants to create a death painting womb. Something half human, half cursed spirit.” 

I turn away from him to a large plant I’ve placed for privacy. I lean over and am violently ill. 

“What do we do?” I ask after I’ve wiped my mouth.

“I’m going to kill him. I don’t know when he’s coming. He came to give me a warning but he was gone before I could try.” 

I lean against the ledge again, feeling very emotionally and physically depleted. 

“Having another kid makes me nervous. It’s not what I wanted. I haven’t been a good dad to the kid I already have, and I’m still trying to make up for it. But I’ll be damned if some asshole thinks he’s going to take something that’s mine.” Toji says. 

I look over at him and his grin is like a blade. His eyes have an unhinged spark as they continue to study the skyline. He turns his face to look at me too.

“I’ll cut off every finger before he can touch you. If he thinks he’s going to, he’ll die trying.”

“Oh Toji, that’s beautiful. But I think I’m gonna barf again.” I push the glass door open and make a dash for the bathroom. 

Once I’m done and I’ve brushed my teeth and rinsed with mouthwash 3 times, I come back out to see Toji’s come back inside. He comes to me and puts his hands on my waist. He speaks low so Megumi can’t hear.

“I’m going to take care of it. You’re both mine.” He kisses my forehead. From behind Toji I hear a “blech!” that could only be from Megumi. Toji scowls and I can’t help laughing. I step out of his embrace to look at Megumi. 

“Think that’s gross? What about this?” I ask as I walk over to him, picking him up and peppering his own forehead with a dozen kisses. 

“Noooo, I hate it!” He wails but then he laughs as he pushes my face away and I laugh too. 

“Know what else you’ll hate? Carrots for every meal!” I say gleefully.

“That’s torture! DAAAD!” Megumi looks to Toji, but Toji’s looking at me. He smiles.

“One day you’ll say yes.”


	11. Chapter 11

We don't know how soon "the doctor" will come or where he'll be. It hangs over me as the days go by. I wonder if he'll wait until we've fallen into a false sense of security and think he won't come.

Toji stays with me all the time now, as does Megumi. We didn't expect that he would turn up at Toji's to tell him that what he wanted was to get to me. I'd wager he has a good idea of where to find me when he's ready. That's why Toji hasn't left. He takes Megumi to school and then comes right back. He hasn't taken any odd jobs that last more than a day, if even that. He's always close by.

The motion sickness lingers longer than I'd like so I try to rest. But it's hard to rest easily when I can feel the target on my back. 

My eyes are closed for a couple of minutes when I hear my door squeak slightly open and the whisper of small socks across the carpet.

I crack open an eye to peek at Megumi who's at the edge of my bed.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

"Nothing." He hesitates.

"Okay. Do you need me to get up?" I ask, already starting to get up.

"No! Here." He thrusts a small stuffed animal towards me.

"What's this for?" I ask. I take the dog from him.

His cheeks flush a little, he's embarrassed. "Maybe you'll feel better." He mumbles. Sometimes I forget how much of a baby he still is. He's so grown up, so serious most of the time. But every now and then he does something so age appropriate that my heart swells with affection. He deserves to get to be a kid and enjoy kid stuff. I feel myself get emotional.

"Megumi, that is so sweet. Thank you so much." I think I start to cry a little, which freaks him out. His eyes go wide and he turns to shoot out of the room.

"Uh, I'll get dad!" He calls as he runs out.

"Wait! You don't... have to do that." I finish lamely. It's too late, he's already out of the room. Within seconds both of them are busting in through the door.

"What happened?" Toji demands.

I hold up the stuffed toy. "Megumi gave me his stuffed animal." I start to cry again.

"Oh. That's it?" Toji asks. He shifts his weight, uncomfortable with this sudden display of emotion.

"Yeah, that's it!" I wail.

"Uh...." Toji and Megumi pass a look between them like they're trying to figure out who else to call that might be able to handle a crisis. 

"It—" I sniffle before continuing, "was so sweet." I wipe my eyes. "Is this the hormones? I hate it." 

"Hormones?" Megumi asks Toji.

"We should let you rest." Toji quickly escorts Megumi out of the room and I'm alone again. I hold the little dog to me and try to rest.

...

I wake up in the middle of the night incredibly thirsty. I slide quietly out of bed and head to the kitchen. Opening the cupboard, I grab a cup and fill it with cold, crisp water and feel instantly better once I've gulped it down. I turn around to take my cup to the sink and inadvertently look up into the living room. The window is open. I know it was closed before we went to bed. I drop the cup, hearing it clatter and possibly break. I don't care if it does. I'm already dashing to Megumi's room. 

I ease open the door and look inside. He's fast asleep in his bed. I close the door, leaving it cracked while I try to regain my breath. When I get back to the living room, Toji's there. He runs a hand over his face.

"I heard something break. Are you okay?" His eyes are half open and his voice is groggy. 

I point to the open window. "That was closed when we went to bed, wasn't it?" 

Toji looks at the window. He's wide awake now. "Yeah. It was."

"I don't see any residuals from anything. I don't see anything obvious either, nothings out of place, no footsteps. I checked on Megumi, he's asleep." I crook my thumb in the direction of Megumi's room when I mention him. "Do you notice anything?" I ask Toji. I can see things he can't as far as curses go, but his senses are sharper than mine. If there's a physical clue that someone was here, he'll find it. 

He goes to the window and looks around, he looks at the street below, but it's empty, he looks all around the room but finds nothing. We go check on Megumi again. And again, he's asleep. But he wakes up like he can feel us at the door. 

"Dad?" He says in his sleepy little voice. He sits up and rubs his eyes.

"Just checking on you." Toji says.

This seems to worry Megumi a little. "Why?" He asks.

I answer for Toji. "Cause that's what dads do." I come over and sit on the edge of his bed, and begin to smooth his hair away from his face. 

"What about you?" He asks me.

"It's what I do, too."

Within a few minutes he's lulled to sleep. I tuck him back in properly and we leave the room.

If circumstances were different, I would think maybe we accidentally didn't latch the window and the wind blew it open. But because of our current situation, I know better. It was closed and someone wanted us to know they were here. They were here and gone before we could do anything about it. And they could be back. 

They would be back.


	12. Chapter 12

Megumi sits at the coffee table in the living room. His crayon moves back and forth, gliding smoothly over the paper. He makes sure to color neatly in between the lines. 

In the kitchen, my knife cleanly slices between crust and bread for his peanut butter sandwich. The apartment is pretty quiet. Megumi has a cartoon on for background noise, but he's not really watching.

I bring over his plate and juice.

"What are you drawing?"

"A dog."

I take a look as I set his plate and cup down.

"It's a cute dog." I say. I ruffle his hair before going back to the kitchen to tidy up. 

"I only see him sometimes so I don't think I got the face right." I hear Megumi say.

Part of me, for a second, naively thinks it's an imaginary friend. Something he thinks he sees sometimes. 

"Where do you see him?" I ask, trying to sound casual.

"I see him when I make my hands like this." 

I walk around the counter, and back into the living room to see what he's doing. One hand is over the other with his fingers opened like a mouth. Like a shadow puppet. Darkness seems to rise from the ground itself, it moves and takes form with some hesitation. I feel my eyes go wide as I watch the shadow grow legs and stagger. It comes toward me, mouth agape. I take a step back nervously. And then it stops and sits down. I look at Megumi.

"Sometimes I can make him." He shrugs. 

"You... make him." In that moment, it clicks. I understand entirely. 

"Sometimes. It just started. I was scared at first." He goes back to coloring.

"That's really neat. I'll be right back, okay?" I eye the dog suspiciously but I know it won't hurt Megumi or me. 

"Okay." Megumi says without looking up from his coloring. The dog wags its tail under my scrutiny. 

I step into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. And then I go out onto the balcony, closing that door behind me too. I call Toji.

"Hey, it's me. Megumi's a shikigami user. You suspected he'd have an inherited technique. He does. You should come home, and soon." 

There's silence on the line. And then, "on my way."

It doesn't take long for him to get here.

When Toji gets to the apartment, the dog is gone. Megumi's cursed energy is probably presently exhausted. I tell Toji to look at Megumi's drawings. 

He goes into the living room and squats down, taking a look.

"What are you drawing?" He asks.

"A dog."

"Where did you see this dog?" 

"He was just here, but I got tired. Dad, why can I see the dog?" Megumi puts his crayon down. Toji picks up a discarded drawing and studies it. He runs a finger over the red triangle drawn on the forehead.

"It's called the Ten Shadows Technique, and you're going to learn how to use it." Toji looks up at me. "I need to call Satoru Gojo."

...

I wait until the following day when Megumi is at school to ask Toji about his conversation with Gojo.

"So you made a contract with the man who killed you?" I ask.

"Well, yeah. I thought that was the end. Anyway, I can't see curses, usually, so I can't help Megumi. Someone has to teach him." 

"I know very little about the technique myself. My family might know more about it, but I don't think I can ask them. For obvious reasons." I say. Toji nods.

"Then it has to be him. Besides, when the doctor comes back, if anything happens to me I want to know the three of you are taken care of." Toji says. He's including the baby.

"Don't talk like that. Don't talk like you expect to die." 

"I don't. I just don't want to make the same mistakes." He pauses. "I made a deal. And if the terms were to become fulfilled then Megumi would become the next head of the Zenin family. Once the current head passes. I want to be prepared for anything." 

"Now that his technique has manifested, are you going to let them take him?" I ask. Toji doesn't respond. "Toji! Are you going to let them take him?" I ask more harshly. 

"No." He finally says. 

"You'd better not be lying to me." I stand up.

"Where are you going?" He asks.

"To pee. Again." 

...

Toji keeps his word. Megumi stays with us, but I feel so conflicted. I know it isn’t safe, but I don’t like the idea of him being so far away and out of sight. And I don’t trust the Zenin family. So he stays.

Another week goes by with Toji and I both on pins and needles, trying to keep a normal attitude around Megumi. I’m itching to get out and do something. 

“Why don’t we ask where Megumi wants to go?” I suggest.

Toji looks slightly displeased with this idea. “He’s just going to want to go to the bookstore.” He says.

“How do you know?” 

“It’s the only place he ever asks to go.” 

I call Megumi over and ask where he feels like going today.

“How about the bookstore?” He suggests.

“Told you.” Toji says before taking a sip of his water. I shoot Toji a look.

“I guess we should get ready then.” I say. Toji groans, but Megumi smiles and that’s all the encouragement I need.

It’s a rainy day so we’ve got our raincoats on and Megumi has his rain boots on with little frogs on them. He never really cares much about what he wears as long as he’s comfortable but today he was insistent about the boots. 

“That’s a pretty big puddle.” I nod toward the one we’re just about to walk into. I look at Toji. “You take one hand, I take the other?” I suggest. He nods. Megumi is in between us so we take either hand and lift him over the puddle, setting his feet back on semi dry sidewalk. Megumi looks up with his cheeks flushed.

“Was it fun?” I ask.

“You should tell me before you do that.” He says with a scowl. Toji and I are both trying and failing to keep a straight face. 

“Sorry. Here’s another one though.” I say. We do the same as before. This time, though, Megumi laughs. 

“Was it fun this time?” I ask.

Megumi’s cheeks are pink again. “I didn’t say it wasn’t fun before.” 

I laugh and Megumi unfurls his brow. 

Once we’re inside, we wander around for a while. I’m not sure if Megumi has an idea of what he’s looking for or not, but so far he’s not interested in anything I point out. Toji goes to get something warm to drink as Megumi and I walk the store. Eventually, something catches Megumi’s eye and he leads me in that direction. 

“Nonfiction? What are you, forty?” I say.

Megumi huffs and points to a book a shelf over. A nature book. There’s a big falcon with its wings spread in flight, about to land on the cover of it. I grab the book and hand it to him.

Megumi runs his small hand over the smooth surface of the hardback, mesmerized. The book seems almost as big as he is. 

“Well let’s go pay and see if your dad got us any hot chocolate.” 

Megumi holds the book to his chest as we head to the registers. He can’t quite reach the counter so he hands the book to me. We check out and go find Toji. He’s sitting down with his black coffee, reading a magazine, and looking bored. We come over, and sit with him. 

“What did you get?” He asks Megumi. Megumi pulls out the book and shows him. 

“I’m surprised it’s not a book about dogs.” He says.

“Maybe next time.” Megumi says. He’s already starting to flip open the cover.

“Want a hot chocolate?” I ask Megumi.

“Too sweet. A black coffee.” 

“No.” Toji and I answer simultaneously. 

Megumi frowns at us. “A hot chocolate, then.” 

I go grab a coffee for myself and a hot chocolate for Megumi. We stay for another hour, waiting out the rain.


	13. Chapter 13

The breeze blows through the open sliding door like a romantic sigh, ruffling the curtain gently. Even though the weather has gotten colder, I'm unseasonably warm. I know in a few minutes I'll get up to slide the door closed before going to sleep. For now, I watch the moonlight bathing the plants on my small balcony from my bed. 

Toji rouses from his sleep, turning over.

"What are you doing?" He asks.

"Just looking at the moon." I say. I run my fingers through his hair. He closes his eyes peacefully. When they open again, I can feel the heat in them, the longing. He catches my hand and kisses my fingers before using my arm to pull me towards him. 

"C'mere." He says as he pulls me closer into him. He leans in to kiss me and I melt into him. His hands roam and my skin flushes. His fingers find my hair and become entangled. His kisses are deep, long, and drugging. His hand leaves my hair to travel my body at length until it's at the hem of my nightgown. Although to be fair, it's not a gown, it's incredibly short. I was too warm for anything else. His hand pushes the satin up my thigh and he grabs a handful of my ass. He grinds into me. I reach between us to slide my own hand down the waistband of his sweatpants. He's already hard, I give him a good stroke. Toji moans quietly. "It's been too long." He says. I agree. 

I pull him free of his waistband, continuing to stroke while he's kissing me greedily. He puts his hand over mine to guide himself between my legs. He rubs at my entrance and I'm positively throbbing. Toji eases the tip in, teasing me. I pull him closer to me, trying to take him all the way. He smiles against my mouth.

"Tell me how much you want it." He whispers.

I don't think whatever I say after that is even intelligible. But he laughs, and slides in further. He does this a couple more times. 

At that point there's a series of small knocks on the door. We both swear under our breath. Toji rolls away to fix his pants, and I get up to find a plush robe, tying it firmly closed. Toji slides a t-shirt on. I go to open the door. A tiny hand is rubbing sleep from his eyes. 

"I can't sleep." Megumi says. 

I sigh. "Yeah, me either." I say. 

I follow Megumi back to his room. After a couple of minutes Toji joins us. I scoot Megumi over so I can fit beside him in the bed. He leans against me, and my arm goes around his small shoulders. I move the hair out of his face and press a light kiss to his forehead. I glance over to Megumi's nightstand and see the book about birds of prey there. He must be really enjoying it. I look down at Megumi curled up against me. His eyes are closed now. My hand continues its sweeping motion through his hair. I look over to where Toji stands in the doorway, arms folded over his chest, just watching. Slowly, I remove myself and tuck Megumi in, careful not to wake him. We leave his room and close the door. 

"Gojo should be here tomorrow." Toji says. I can't think of what to say, so I just tiredly nod and we go back to bed.

...

It's raining again and cold on that following evening. They sky is grey, dark, and heavy. Megumis is in the living room doing homework, or whatever counts as homework when you're in elementary school.

Toji and I are in the kitchen talking. He's sitting at the counter while I make Megumi a snack. There's a series of frivolous sounding knocks on the door. I stop what I'm doing to answer it. I find myself face to face with the man that took Toji's life. Blue eyes that look like they hold the sky itself, framed in by snowy lashes, appraise me over the rim of their dark sunglasses.

"Ah! Hello there. So you're—" He starts.

"Toji, your guest is here." I cut him off. I leave the door open but walk away from it. He can invite himself in. I pick up Megumi's plate from where I left it on the counter. Gojo follows me and stops at the sight of Toji. Gojo seems almost too tall for this apartment. I take Megumi his plate. 

"Who's here?" Megumi asks.

Gojo hears him and comes over before I can respond.

"Heya, Megumi! Long time, no see. Do you remember me?" Gojo waves.

From the scowl on Megumi's face, it's clear he does remember and wishes he didn't. 

"Finish eating, okay? I'll look over your homework in a little bit." I tell him.

"Why is he here?" Megumi asks me. 

I'm not sure how much to say, but I can't lie. Not to him. "You know your dog that you see? He's going to help you with it. Your dad and I will still help you too, but, we think he might be able to help better than we can. I know it's unfortunate, but bear with it, okay?" 

Gojo tilts his head slightly. "You do know that I can hear you, right?"

Megumi shoots him an aggravated look. "Do I have to?" He asks.

I laugh and move the hair from his forehead to place a light kiss there. "Only for a while."

He casts one last suspicious glance at Gojo before looking back to me and agreeing. I stand up and turn my attention back to this lanky stranger in my home. He has an odd expression.

"He's really taken to you, hasn't he?" He says. 

"You say that like you know him." I brush past him, back into the kitchen. Toji is still sitting at the counter, eating the leftovers of whatever I didn't give to Megumi. Gojo takes the seat beside him.

"Got any sweets in the house? Like freshly baked cookies, maybe?" He asks.

"I'm an assassin, not a housewife."

"That so? But you'll be a mother soon, isn't that right?" He levels a look at me that slightly unnerves me. To see a man who seems so frivolous and jovial's eyes turn to ice suddenly sends a chill down my spine. "That's why I'm here, isn't it? To talk about protecting the lives of your children?" 

I meet his level gaze. "Talk to Toji. Your business isn't with me." I open the fridge and pull out Megumi's over sugared juice that we usually water way down. I pull a glass from the cupboard and pour it in, setting the glass in front of Gojo when I'm through. 

"That's the most sugary thing we let Megumi have. Help yourself." 

The liquid swirls in the light as Gojo takes the glass. His smile is back as he thanks me with delight. I’m sickened by the sight of it. I don’t hate him, but I don’t like him. And I don’t really want him here. This stupid act is irritating me. I know he knows who I am. And he knows that I know. I put the juice back in the fridge and leave the guys to work things out by themselves. 

I sit on the couch, suddenly very exhausted.

“You don’t like him either, do you?” Megumi asks.

I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. “Finish your homework.”


	14. Chapter 14

It's got to be early, too early. When I open my eyes, the sun is still coming up and the light is softly filtering through the curtain. The city is still asleep too. I feel something warm on my feet. I look down at the foot of the bed. Two pink eyes and a twitching nose look back at me.

"MEGUUUMI!" 

I pick up the rabbit and carry it into the living room. I see Megumi there with a familiar tall figure. 

"Good morning!" Gojo says. 

"What the—" I start.

"I thought I had to let him in." Megumi says. He looks at the rabbit in my hands. A few seconds later, something white and fluffy hops down the hall and meets us where we're standing. And then another, and then a third. 

"I didn't mean to." Megumi says. His face is full of regret and embarrassment. My expression softens.

"It's okay. I'm not mad. It did keep my feet pretty warm." 

"I mean about him too." He points to Gojo. 

"Oh. I'm not mad about that either." 

"I am the number one strongest and most good looking sorcerer. And I haven't done anything yet, so you can't be mad." 

"Now I'm mad. Get out."

"What the hell's all this racket?" Toji asks, coming out of the bathroom. He sees the rabbits. "We're not keeping these." He looks at me.

"They're not... wait, do you think I went out and bought rabbits?" 

He gives me a very pointed look.

"I mentioned one time I thought it would be nice to have one. I did not buy four rabbits."

He rolls his eyes.

"Toji! I didn't buy rabbits! You don't believe me." 

He goes to the fridge, opening the door and taking a look inside. "No, I completely believe you." 

"He doesn't believe you." Gojo says gleefully.

"Shut up, Gojo. I thought I told you to leave." 

"What about these?" He points to the rabbits. 

"Can we have pancakes for breakfast?" Megumi asks, one rabbit in his own arms.

"And eggs for me." Toji says.

"Is there whipped cream and strawberries for the pancakes?" Gojo asks.

I hang my head and sigh. 

"I really hope I have a girl." 

...

After the fiasco that is breakfast has been served, we sit in the living room discussing the situation as it currently stands.

"The whole jujutsu community is in an uproar. We're constantly short handed as it is, but now we have extra people out looking for this "doctor", whoever he is. If what you're saying is true, it goes against the entire laws of nature." Gojo says. And he's right. The laws of the world don't allow for people to be resurrected from the dead. It's ridiculous to even suggest. If it were possible, it would have world changing possibilities. Maybe even world ending kind of possibilities. 

Except.... it is possible. Toji is alive as proof. Of course the entirety of the jujutsu community would be in an uproar. This turns the world on its head and throws everything they know out of the window. 

"Are they asking for anything?" I ask Gojo.

"Are they asking for Toji, do you mean?" He smiles. "No. Not yet, anyway. Right now their only objective is to find the doctor and erase him." 

"Good. Let's keep it that way." I look over at Toji. He nods but he looks like he's a million miles away, deep in thought. It's been a couple more weeks at this point since that initial visit from Gojo. Time is ticking by, and I don't think I can handle becoming any more anxious. But I'm sure it's what the doctor wants. For us to become unraveled, at the end of our tethers and make mistakes. But for how much longer?

Toji finally meets my eyes and I recognize the look. He has a plan. Gojo looks from me to Toji. "Well," he says, "don't let me keep you from your conversation. Couples communicating without words is scary." He stands up and begins to show himself out. "Love can be the worst curse of all." He says it seemingly to himself and I feel bad for him. 

"What's your plan?" I turn back toward Toji.

"I'm going to look for him again."

"Everyone's looking. He doesn't want to be found until he's ready." 

"I'll keep looking." 

I know he needs to do something, to be proactive. He wants to take care of it before it comes to take care of us. 

"I understand it, I do. But we're not going to just find him. He probably isn't even here anymore. He's going to hide until his agenda won't allow him to." I say. Toji looks out of the window.

"I have to try." He stands up and comes to kiss me on the head before starting to leave.

"You don't think he wants us separated?" I ask.

"Well, if he does, then I can finally kill him." 

The door closes behind him. Megumi walks into the living room. 

"Where's dad going?" He asks.

"Not far. He'll be back soon." 

He's gone until sunset.

I take his jacket and hang it up. I notice the knuckles of one hand are bleeding. I start to take his hand but he pulls it away. I look up at him and he responds to the question in my eyes before I've said anything.

"I was letting out frustration. It's nothing."

"I'd hate to see whoever was on the receiving end."

Toji huffs out a short laugh. "A pretty sorry looking wall."

I take his hand again and this time he lets me. "Come on, let me clean it." I lead him away to do just that.

...

After dinner, Megumi and I are sitting on the couch looking at his bird book. He's pointing out the ones he thinks are the most interesting. Toji has a seat on the chair nearest to us.

"I almost didn't have this." He says. It's extremely uncharacteristic. I look over at him and see the small smile on his face.

"But you do." I tell him. Megumi looks over at him too.

"Dad, come look at this one." He says. Toji gets up and sits on the other side of Megumi as he starts reading off the bird facts to the both of us. 

I'm just as lucky to have this too.

...

The following day is even colder than the last. Toji has been going out everyday, without fail to try to track this guy down and I've been mostly on my own trying to fly under the radar. I've stopped taking work completely even though I probably technically still could. I don't think it's worth it to try. 

Megumi doesn't have school today so I take him to a museum. It gets us both out and it's nice to have the fresh air and not feel like I'm going stir crazy being stuck inside. Megumi shouldn't have to be stuck inside either. 

The museum is comfortably warm and we enjoy the morning, just walking around and looking at all the different exhibits. I think the dinosaur part interests me more than it does Megumi. Around lunch time we both get pretty hungry and I'm starting to feel a little sluggish. Once we sit down and start to eat, I find myself staring off into space. I wonder if Toji is having any luck.

"You're going to marry my dad, aren't you?"

"What?" My attention snaps back to Megumi. He shrugs.

"It's what he does. But then he disappears for a long time. I stopped caring after the last time, but I think this is the longest I've ever seen him. He seems happy." He takes a bite of a nugget. I feel like there's more so I wait for him to go on. "You're a nice lady. I don't want you to be sad."

I smile from across the small table. "I don't want to be sad either. Do you like staying with me, Megumi?"

He nods. "Yeah, your cooking's way better than Tsumiki's mom's was." He bites a fry this time. I laugh at his innocent sincerity. "If he goes away again, I'll still keep you company. If it means you won't be sad."

I think about what this means as a child. And what it means for him, especially. I feel that most children would at some stage slip up and call their father's significant other "mother" or "mom", or even say it purposely. Because children are like that and their attachment grows easily. Megumi has never once done that. He is keenly aware of me and my place within his life. In this moment, I now understand too where I fit. If anything happens to Toji, Megumi has already willingly made the decision to stay with me, to let me be his parent. He's choosing me. I've been accepted. I feel the corners of my eyes begin to sting.

"You're a good kid, Megumi."


	15. Chapter 15

The time unavoidably comes when my pregnancy begins to show. I notice it when I look in the mirror in the morning and it looks like I've already had a big breakfast. And thinking about a big breakfast makes me really hungry. Toji comes up behind me, I see his reflection in the mirror. His arms go around me, hands on top of my hands where they cup the emerging roundness. 

"What are you doing?" He asks.

"Checking out the big breakfast I must have just had." 

He laughs before pressing a small kiss to my temple. "Make sure you and Megumi actually have a breakfast." He says. He moves to leave the room. 

"Gonna look for him again today?" I ask.

"Yeah. I'll be home before it gets dark."

He always comes home, but it doesn't stop the growing unease that I feel.

...

It's at this point we decide to tell Megumi he's going to have a sibling. It's still too early to know what we're actually having, but I've decided I don't want to find out until the little bean actually arrives. 

We sit down with him and give him the news. His eyes grow wide but he doesn't seem displeased. Just surprised. 

"I guess now you really are gonna get married." He says it like it's a fact. 

"Are you saying we have your blessing?" Toji asks him.

"It's not really up to me." Megumi shrugs as if to say "why the heck are you asking me?" Megumi's face turns serious. "As long as you promise she's going to be happy." 

Toji looks surprised at that, and I'm sure I do too. 

"I'll do my best." He says.

"Can I remind both of you that I haven't agreed to this yet?" I interject. Toji sits back and fights a smile. 

"Yet." He repeats.

...

That night I dream about physical pleasure. Of being explored intimately with tongue and teeth. Of dreamy sighs and rough hands that softly caress with care. I wake up flushed, my body heated. I look over at Toji. He's fast asleep. I shake him awake.

"What's the matter?" He asks. His voice is thick with sleep and he barely opens his eyes as he stirs. I move closer to wrap his arm around me. His eyes open a little more. His gaze is half lidded as he settles his arm around me. I push the hair away from his face. I don't say anything right away, I let the silence sit between us comfortably. Slowly, I bring my lips to his, softly at first. He returns the kiss, letting me control the pace. I break the kiss for some air.

Toji brings a thumb up to my cheek, caressing my face. I drink in the sight of him. Half asleep Toji is a sweet Toji and he looks at me like I'm the only thing in his world. I don't know how we're here, but we are. I thought he was going to be someone I worked with and who's couch I slept on because I had no other place in the world. But he didn't have a place in the world either, not really. And we hung onto each other. Somehow we're still here. The bond has changed its shaped, it has thinned to the point of exhaustion, and strengthened again. I know I can leave my heart and soul in his hands this time for sure. 

"I will, you know." I start. "Say yes, I mean. One day." 

He smiles at me in the dark. "I know." 

He pulls me close again to give me another kiss before starting where my dreams left off.

...

There's a crowd of people dispersing from the theater after the movie. We're two of those people. It's been forever since I've really been out of the house. The cold, night air is refreshing and I drag in lungfuls of it. Toji's arm is around me and everything feels right in the world for now. We're laughing about the ridiculous comedy we just saw. It feels strange but nice.

My mind reels when I think about just how much my life has changed. How much it's still changing. 

"That Gojo kid gets on my nerves, but it was kind of nice of him to watch Megumi so we could go out. I needed to get out." I sigh at the last part.

Toji eyes me knowingly. "But you want to get back soon because you know Megumi is probably miserable." 

"Yes. Can we?" I turn to him and ask.

He thinks it over. "What about dinner?" 

"We'll bring something home."

"That means feeding the Gojo kid, too." 

I make a face unintentionally, and Toji smiles. "Guess Megumi's going to have to suffer a little while longer." We'll probably still end up bringing something home.... which means bringing something for Gojo too. 

Someone steps out in front of us, making us stop short. I'm not sure which one of us is about to say something first, but neither of us does. The air seems to thicken and it becomes harder to breathe. My limbs feel leaden and my pulse races. Toji shoves me away from him.

"You have to run. Now!" He tells me.

"Oh, that's not going to help." The tall man says, patiently, he picks at his cuticles. He has all the time in the world.

"Run." Toji says again, more urgently this time.

So I do. And the tall man I knew immediately as "the doctor" without having ever met him chases me through the street like a frightened rabbit. I slip but I don't dare fall, I keep running. I run so hard I think my lungs will burst. My feet pound the pavement and I feel like vomiting, but I still don't stop.

He's right on my heels and Toji is right behind him, trying to keep him at bay. It finally works. It takes only seconds for Toji to spit up the worm and another few seconds for him to draw his blade from the mouth of the cursed spirit. He hacks and slashes at the doctor. I feel the need to stop and catch my breath but I know I can't. Megumi's tiny face pops into my mind. I stop. I can't lead him to Megumi. Megumi may not be his aim, but I won't have him put in danger because of me. 

"What the hell are you doing? I told you to run!" Toji says between flashes of metal against a staff the doctor produces.

I lean on the wall of a nearby building to support myself.

"I can't. Megumi." I say between gasping breaths.

"A smart woman!" The doctor says. "After all, if I can't take her alive, I'll still take the boy! Blood will repay the debt!" 

"Like hell." Toji grits out. He's bleeding. The doctor is fast and Toji has parried most of the blows, but not this one. Toji is fast too and it doesn't take him long to recover. He's on him like a demon and the two trade blows again and again. It's a wonder no one is around somehow. Maybe they sense the violence and inadvertently steer clear lest they be sucked in. 

I want to help but I know it isn't safe for me to fight. So I do the only thing I can think of. I use my cursed energy to manifest a weapon. I do it quietly and quickly. I throw the dagger as hard as I can and watch it arc through the air, sinking its tip in between the doctor's shoulder blades. He grimaces in sharp pain and twists his body as if he's trying to get away from the pain. Toji takes the opening and thrusts his sword through the doctor's midsection with enough force to cut a man in half. Relief floods me and the adrenaline leaving my body leaves my knees weak and shaking.

"Surely you didn't think that would be all it would take?" He's right behind Toji. A tall man in a black suit illuminated by the lights of the city behind him. He looks ghastly and sort of ill. It was an illusion. Toji didn't slice him at all.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"I've got many names. You've probably learned about me in your studies as a man named Kamo." His eyes narrow.

My memory is jogged. Kamo. Noritoshi. The most evil jujutsu sorcerer to have ever lived. There aren't any surviving records of his deeds, and his research was destroyed, or at least that's what is said. And by all accounts, this man should be long dead. He was wiped from the face of history because of his treachery.

"How...?" 

"Well, it's about time for this brain to find a new host. But that's how." He swats Toji away, knocking him backwards. He cuts the air with his staff, hitting Toji harshly on the back, knocking him to his knees, before ramming his staff into Toji's chest. He falls backward. The broadsword falls out of Toji's hand. Noritoshi hits him again and Toji spits blood and makes a terrible sound.

"STOP!" I yell, I can clearly feel the swirl of energy inside me, flowing, moving, electrifying me. If it takes my dying breath, I'll kill this man.

"Not a wise idea for a woman in your condition. There's a slim chance it would work and if it doesn't, you run the very large risk of causing unknown harm to your unborn child. It's best to come quietly now." 

"Is that right?" Someone says from behind me. I recognize that cocky voice. From behind him runs two large beasts. They propel themselves on powerful legs and launch themselves into Noritoshi ripping a large hole in his shoulder blade and pants leg.

My head whips toward the voice I know.

"Gojo?!" I say incredulously.

"In the flesh and right on time!" 

"On time probably would've been when this guy showed up." I say. And then I realize something. "The dog." But not just one this time. Two. I look behind Gojo. Around the corner of the building, hiding, is Megumi.

"You idiot! Why would you bring him here?!" I seethe at Gojo. He pulls his sunglasses off and tucks one of the arms into the breast pocket on the front of his school uniform jacket. 

He turns his cool eyes toward me. "Would you rather I leave him alone where anyone could take him away?" 

He has a point. It wouldn't have been any safer to leave Megumi at home. We don't know if Noritoshi works alone. 

I run to Megumi and sink to my knees in front of him. "We have to go, okay? You shouldn't be here." 

He looks terrified. "What's going on?" He asks. He's shaking.

"Don't worry about it for now. We gotta go, okay? Let's go." I don't wait, I pick him up and hold him as close to me as I can and start to run again. I hate running. I never would have run from a fight before. But for the first time in my life, I have something that means more to me than myself. I won't have him in danger, or the child that's growing inside of me. I can't do anything that would cause them harm. 

"What about Dad?" Megumi asks nervously.

"He's going to be all right. We'll see him at home." 

"He was on the ground..." 

"Megumi, listen to me. It's very important that we get as far away as possible right now. Your dad will find us. He always comes back now, remember?" 

Megumi's eyes go wide as he realizes this is true. 

"And besides, Gojo is there. He's kind of an idiot, but he's strong." 

Megumi nods in agreement, wanting to be comforted, but still not quite believing. 

I'm not sure how long or how far we go. I get tired very quickly and feel sick again, but I wait until there's a lot of distance between us and them before I stop to catch my breath. I put Megumi down and look for a place to privately puke. 

For a brief moment, I see the sky illuminate in a brilliant spark of light. Almost the way a score of fireworks can make it look like daytime at night. I watch with Megumi as night settles back into place once again. I turn to him.

"Let's get home." I say. He nods and this time I take his hand and we walk a little slower. I can't run anymore.

When we make it back to the apartment and stay up until dawn breaks and we can't stay awake anymore. 

...

Hours later, we're woken up by two very bruised, very beaten up men entering the apartment. I sit up to look over the back of the couch. I see two grinning fools.

Gojo has an arm around Toji, holding him upright and steady, with one of Toji's arms around his shoulders. They both look like hell. But they're alive. A thought strikes me.

"Gojo, that light Megumi and I saw... I'm guessing that was you, huh?"

He gives me a thumbs up. "It was." He looks proud of himself.

"Did you put up a curtain?"

His proud smirk falters. 

I take Toji in my arms and look at Gojo again.

"You brought him back to me. I'm sure you'll be forgiven." 

He scratches at the back of his head. "Not sure Yaga will see it the same way." He grins again. "Oh well. I'm not scared."

"Why don't you go rest?" I suggest.

"I suppose that's not a bad idea. See ya!" He waves before putting his hands in his pockets and heading for the door.

"I meant here. Get some rest and then I'll make you guys breakfast. Megumi's sleeping on the couch, you can take his room." 

Gojo stops and looks at me with clear surprise before smiling again. "Those were pretty good pancakes last time."

"I'll put extra powdered sugar on top this time." I tell him. His face lights up. He heads to Megumi's room for a long nap. I look to the man I'm holding up. "It's time for you to rest, too." He puts his forehead against mine. 

"Let's go." He says. 

Several hours and many bandaged wounds later, we all eat breakfast for dinner and watch mindless tv. Toji and I sit on the couch with Megumi comfortably between us. Toji's arm is around both of us. I comb my fingers through Megumi's hair, content that both of my boys are home and well. My heart overflows.

Gojo turns around from his spot on the floor in front of the tv. 

"All things considered, everything worked out pretty well." 

"You mean because no one's dead?" I ask.

"Well, yeah." Gojo says, like it's common sense. He pauses. "Because you guys are going to make a nice family." He looks at Toji. "I told you I would protect your children's future." He looks back at me. "Anyway, since I helped you out, you won't mind me stopping by for meals, right? I'm thinking next weekend you can make French toast!" 

My brows furrow and I feel a nerve jump, but it smooths out and I laugh. I can't really say no, and I wouldn't. 

"Yeah, Gojo, welcome to the family." 

Megumi sleepily groans. "Does he have to?" 

Toji and I laugh as Gojo exclaims in indignation. 

For the first time in a long time, I look forward to the future with no clouds in my heart.


	16. Epilogue

Several months later I stand on the balcony outside of the living room with Toji. It's a warm, sunny day. 

"Where do you think we should go for vacation?" I ask.

"I don't know. We could always go to the beach. It's been a while."

"That's a good idea! Wouldn't be incredibly stressful either." 

Toji hums in agreement. He closes the distance between us and puts an arm around my waist, pulling me close. I look up at him.

"It could be my first trip with you as your wife." I say. His eyes grow wide and then he breaks out into a smile. He takes my face in both of his hands and kisses me. When the kiss breaks, I'm smiling too. 

"You're saying yes?" He asks. He skims a thumb over my cheek.

"I'm saying yes." I confirm. 

"Then let's go tell our kids." 

We look over to where Megumi sits, holding his baby sister, clearly asking her to stop grabbing his hair. But also clearly not really minding terribly as he gives her a hug.

When we step into the living room, there's a knock on the door. 

"I'll answer it." I say. As I walk through the living room, I pass a few of the large paintings I've just finished that I need to make a mental note to take down to the gallery and hang. 

I open the door and gasp.

"Mother."

"It's been quite some time, hasn't it? I hear I have a granddaughter and since you haven't invited me to meet her, I invited myself."

"Oh. Come in. I'm sorry, I should have—"

"Don't worry about that now. Where is she?"

I lead her into the living room. Her eyes land on Megumi.

"I see I have a grandson as well." 

"Who are you?" Toji asks.

"Toji, this is my mother. Mother, this is—-"

"I know who he is." 

Toji's eyes narrow. He squats down beside the kids, his eyes not leaving my mother.

She isn't intimidated in the slightest. She walks over and bends down to get a look at the kids. She asks Megumi his name and he shyly responds. He's unsure of this stranger. Truthfully, I'm unsure too. 

She looks at her granddaughter and I see a look I have long forgotten from her. It's pure affection. She reaches out her hand and my daughter's tiny hand reaches back and grabs a finger. She gurgles happy baby noises, and I see my mother's eyes water. She turns to me. 

"You know I never blamed you. I just wanted you to come home. I lost a son and a husband, and in the blink of an eye, my daughter too. I've been surrounded by our other family but I've been alone."

My own eyes fill with tears. I had no idea. I feel ashamed. 

Toji takes the baby from Megumi and the three of them leave the room. I lead my mother to the couch. 

"I came for another reason." She finally says. I wait for her to continue. "I know you would never come home. You've found your own way. I don't agree with it, but it seems that you're doing well. I also would have liked to have seen you with someone other than that Zenin man, but I guess that's all right too. He seems... not what I expected. Perhaps he'll be a good match. I hope so. I came to talk to you about business. Family business. Once your father passed, your brother would have become head of the family. But your brother is long gone, as is your father. You would have been next in line. As you have declined and there has been no clear successor, I have been overseeing affairs. But I am getting old and I need to name someone my successor as head of the family. I am naming your daughter head of the family."

The world seems to sway beneath my feet.

"I need to sit down." I say.

"You are sitting down."

"Oh. Good."

"I know I'm dropping this on you unexpectedly and you absolutely have the right to refuse. But if you want me to do this... it's hers. Everything is hers."

I'm overwhelmed with emotion. The weight of all of my past decisions finally catch up with me. All of the running catches up with me. I feel everything deeply in this moment. I cry. I cry for myself, for my dead father and brother, for hurting my mother and running from her. She mourned all of us alone and I cry for the shame and guilt I feel.

"I should have been a better daughter." I choke out between sobs.

She holds me in her arms as we both weep. The one good thing I can give back to her is my promise. I promise her that I will raise my daughter well and when she's of age, she will take over as my mother's successor. 

Toji stands in the doorway, our daughter in his arms. Our eyes meet and he nods. She has his word too. 

I am a mother, I will be a wife, and I am making amends. 

My heart can now truly be free.

**Author's Note:**

> Totally self indulgent because I love Toji. I’m writing the Toji redemption arc we needed!!


End file.
